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Follow the link: Watch the video, share the project, and support if you can. 

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So it's been a long while since I updated my personal blog and while I am in a better place then I was a few years ago and maybe that's why I'm not writing as much, that's kind of a shitty reason not to write. I need to get back into my personal writing, and while I've been keeping a pretty regular leather journal. 

I am half way through my MFA program, which is crazy, I am trying to get funds together for my thesis film right now so I can shoot it over the summer, the budget is around 8-10 thousand which is insane, but to make it how I want too, and in away that will get it into festivals that's the budget I am working with. 

However, while I never want to go back to my parents, I love them to death but living with them is hard, and living where they moved too so my mom could retire, Vegas would be bad for me. But my dad got laid off, and my mom is having nerve issues still from the chemo therapy. which is scary. It also means they have no income right now. Other then my little brother and nephew working as bag boys at the grocery store. 

Maybe if I find an assistant professorship somewhere after grad I can get them to move in where I am. That would be different then me going back but idk, we'll see what happens in 3 semesters.  

On to the more global problem of Donald Trump now being president... I'm scared, as a disabled woman from a mixed race family, I am frighted. I've already had friends assaulted by Trump Supporters here in Ma, and back home in the Bay Area. I've had someone look at me on the T and say as I was getting off "That's not a woman, that's a man in fishnets." 

The up tick in race, gender, and religious attacks has been noted by the Southern Poverty Law Center... I just when did this become the country we are living in... The answer is it's always been like this.

It's always been like this, people have always had these thoughts, but with Hitler Junior in office, people are starting to feel okay saying and doing shit. You have a problem when the KKK is openly recruiting in the hate. 

While I'm scared, and while things are shitty, now is just a time for me to get more vocal and louder about the things we see, and the legislation that is coming down the pike. 

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 I am alive! 

First year of Grad School done... 3.8 GPA not to shabby. Making fandom friends here in Boston and such it's pretty rad. I am starting to feel like I have a life, and that is great. 

Working full time this summer which is lovely. Trying to think of what else to post lol. 
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 So things have been crazy, (happy Christmas!) 


While I am currently posting from Las Vegas, I now live in Boston, because I got into Emerson, and have been working on my MFA in media art. 1 semester down, 5 more to go lol. I got straight A's this term so here's hoping I can keep that up. 

I have been RPing again too, I am such a better place mentally then I was this time last year. I have a job, working on my Masters, I have friends again, and love the city I am living in, Boston has been suiting me well. 

But I am missing fandom life a lot, I want to start writing fic on the regular again, and want to find some good fandom communities for Marvel and for Star Trek. 

It's weird to be so happy, and moderately stable again. I have weird nerves about flying back home tomorrow night, but not bad nerves. IDK, I just don't know how I feel about coming back here, now that I have a life away from here. 

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 Fandom: Daredevil
Canon Typical Violence, Breath Play
 Summery: Wilson is running a little hot after losing his temper, James helps him blow off some steam.  

 Violence and Other Actions   

Taking requests and prompts for this pairing. 

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 Fandom: Daredevil 
 Pairing: Fisk/Wesley 
 Rating: NC-17 
 Warning: Rape/Non Con (First Chapter), Torture (Second Chapter)  H/C (Third Chapter) 
 Author: Dramapunk
 Summery: They think attacking Wesley is the best way to get under Fisk's skin, what they forget is there is a reason Wesley is Wilson's right hand. 

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 Soooo my Novella Comic Books and Kisses   can be bought for 2.99 in the amazon kindle store!  It's M/M erotic romance, kind of fluffy and fun. Check it out for the low low price of 2.99 :) 

Also I have medicaid now, while it doesn't cover my broken tooth it dose cover everything else. 

Now for the big news! I AM ON THE WAIT LIST FOR EMERSON IN BOSTON! This is wonderful news, even though I was rejected from  the other two schools I applied to, it very much looks like I will be going to Emerson this fall. :) Going to keep the positive vibes going. 

The only thing is I need the money to move from Boston and get settled out there during the first semester and while looking for a job. So I set up an Indigogo. If I don't get off the wait list, then all the money goes back to you guys.  If I don't reach my goal by July, all the money goes back those who donated. 

If I exceed my goal the funds will go to what I pitched as my thesis film : 

The project I want to work on while in attendance at Emerson is Fake Geek Girls: Women In Comics Books.


It will delve into the treatment and representation of women in comic book fandom, and the treatment of female heroes in print and film versions of comic book media, and why there seems to be a disconnect from publishers and film makers with a group that makes up about half of all film ticket sales as well as print sales.

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I am ready to let go. I'll give it until the letters get here. But we all know I am not getting into a program. Also my teeth are rotting, so not only can I not afford mental health care, or access any free services now I am in constant pain with my mouth.

yeah life is totally worth living.
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I haven't written in awhile, and that's not a good thing since this is supposed to be my safe place. I have been trying to stay positive but it's hard when I have nothing to be positive about.

I don't have anything to live for, or anything that is really keeping me going. The only thing right now is that it's only 6-8 weeks until I hear back from the graduate programs I applied too.

I don't know if I can handle not getting into anywhere again though.

It just feels like I have nothing working in my favor, I know what will happen in 8 weeks if I am rejected from all three programs I applied too. I wont survive it.

The only way out of this hole is if I get in graduate school. I don't have love and support, I don't have any place else to go.

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I did a shoot out at The Valley of Fire Prints at my store of these and much much more!

Awesome thumbnails of other stuff in the store:

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 I don't matter, I don't count, I don't even know what to do anymore. I keep thinking it would just be better if I killed myself, because I have nothing in my life worth living for. 

I am tired of people telling me the bullshit lie of it will get better, the stupid phrase keep your chin up, it doesn't get better and there are only so many blows to the face I can take before I can't get up anymore. It's been almost three years of applying for jobs, 2 years since I graduated with my BA, I sleep in a hallway, and have no friends for 900 miles. I am a lone, I have nothing in my life that I want to live for, that I look forward too, I am to poor to even leave the house. 

I can drive, my face is disfigured. I am pushing the few online friends I have away, because I am always so down, I don't have anywhere to turn, the suicide hotlines don't help. I don't have the money or transit or support to go back to therapy, and get back on my meds. 

I am so alone all the time. 

I am so tired all the time. 

I do nothing but cry and cut myself sometime burn myself 

My art doesn't sell, I've gotten rejected from about 2500 jobs I applied for since April of 2012, I have no love life, I have nothing going for me so what do I have to live for? 

I am getting more and more paranoid that everyone hates me and is just waiting for me to kill myself so they can get on with their lives and be done with my crazy ass, part of me honestly believes it that people will be relieved and happy when I finally do kill myself. 

Right now the only thing keeping me around is waiting to hear back from the Grad Schools I applied too, but I am not even very hopeful on that front. Why should I be? I got rejected from every Graduate Program I applied to last year go around, not enough has changed. 

I just don't have much go left, if things don't turn around soon... I just don't have it in me to keep fighting once the rejection letters come in. 

Writing all these thoughts out used to help me, talking to my friends used to help me, but now i just feel like I am screaming into a void where no one cares about me. 

A guy can raise close to 40 grand to make potato salad but I can't even fundraise 6 grand to move someplace where I can get a fresh start and have better employment opportunities. 

I used to want so much out of life, now I just want it to end. But I have to wait until I know weather or not I got into an MFA program. 

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 I have no friends, I am completely isolated with no way to improve my life or circumstances. 

No one will miss me if I kill myself 

I've been stealing pills and saving benydrill to kill myself once the rejection letters come. 

I am not strong enough to fight anymore and there is no way for things to get better. 

So I'll be dead by april, more then likely, and no one is going to even notice. Not the people I live with, and I don't have any friends anymore that will miss me. 

I don't have anything to live for so why keep living. 
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 I am falling apart tonight,  I have no good thoughts about myself or my life, I have nothing worth living for. Everything I do is shit, everything I try fails. 

I just want to die already because it's never going to get better 

another post no one will read because i have no friends. 

I wish I was brave enough to try killing myself again. I'll get there though. 
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 I wish I had actually died last Nov when I tried to kill myself. 
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 All I want is to die, life doesn't get better. Not for people like me, my own mind is my enemy, I don't deserve good things and my own family hates me. I wish I had died as an infant. 

There is no joy in my life anymore. There is no point to living. 
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 I am losing confidence in everything. I don't take joy in anything anymore. Most days I don't even feel like I exist. I really don't exist. I am vanishing more and more everyday. 

I am pourless to make a change, I have lost the confidence that used to let me take risks, I  don't have any friends. I don't have anyone to lean on. 

I don't believe I have any skills, I don't like my art anymore, I don't like my photography, or my writing. I don't exist, I am not a real person, I am a shell of something that used to have a soul, that used to be filled with love and hope. Now I am an empty shell, all I do is sit and think of the best ways to kill myself. 

I don't read comics anymore, I don't read books anymore, I don't read newspapers anymore, I don't smile, I don't enjoy role play, I don't enjoy gaming, or costuming, or all the things that used to spark some happiness in me. I miss those things so much it hurts but I can't have them anymore.  Because I am a useless piece of shit with no job. Whose art doesn't sell, whose writing doesn't sell, who can't even get a  retail job. 

I am starting to feel like applying to grad school was a waist of money, I applied a year ago, and got reject from every single program I applied too, what's the definition of stupidity? Repeating things over and over again when you know you are going to get the same results.  

I have no hope, I am not even a person anymore. 
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 I spend a lot of time day dreaming, day dreaming about my death, day dreaming about ways to kill myself, because what have I got to live for. 
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I am ruining all my friendships, I am screaming into the void, but nothing screams back. 
One day I will fade to nothing, and it wont matter because I am already nothing. I am The Nothing destroying everything in my path. 

Leaving nothing in my wake, no one will miss me when I am gone because I was never really here. 
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 Everything is slipping away, I am dying inside and no one sees, no one cares, I can scream and cry and no one notices everyone has stop caring because this is just how I always am. 

I tried to make a list of things worth living for and it was blank, the reasons to kill myself side however was full, full of very valid reasons. 

I am tried of people telling me it will get better, when it wont. 

I am tried of my mental illness making people hate me and driving the people who I thought where my friends away, but then maybe I've never had friends. I am not worth it. 
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So I am applying to gradschools to help up my chances of employment this is a costly thing, I have a gift card I can use to get my transcripts from SFSU, I have people writing me letters of recommendation, I have a pretty good internship under my belt. I have a few still photos to add to my portfolio.  But I need help actually paying for the applications, which will be pricey. If you don't want to donate and get nothing in return I also have a Redbubble Store set up with all kinds of fun and nerdy things.   

So far I applying to NYU, Emerson, MassArt and I am looking for one more school, the applications are about 80-100 a pop, plus the 12 dollar fee to upload my portfolio to each schools slide room. 


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December 2016



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