dramapunk

With the slow death of other social media happening, I think I really am going to try and post here more, see if I can find fandom spaces over here, as well as the small corner of Tumblr I am on.

The last 365 days have been rough; I had a job I loved and was coming up on two years there, then I had to go give my mom end-of-life care; she died April 1st, I was laid off in June, and now I have a job that's alright that I took a big pay cut at, but it pays the bills, mostly.

Now I need surgery that might not be covered by my insurance, and you know, gestures at everything.

 I am alive! 

First year of Grad School done... 3.8 GPA not to shabby. Making fandom friends here in Boston and such it's pretty rad. I am starting to feel like I have a life, and that is great. 

Working full time this summer which is lovely. Trying to think of what else to post lol. 

 Fandom: Daredevil
 Pairing: Fisk/Wesley
 Rating: NC-17
 Warnings: Canon Typical Violence, Breath Play
 Summery: Wilson is running a little hot after losing his temper, James helps him blow off some steam.  

 Violence and Other Actions   

Taking requests and prompts for this pairing. 
 

 Soooo my Novella Comic Books and Kisses   can be bought for 2.99 in the amazon kindle store!  It's M/M erotic romance, kind of fluffy and fun. Check it out for the low low price of 2.99 :) 

Also I have medicaid now, while it doesn't cover my broken tooth it dose cover everything else. 


Now for the big news! I AM ON THE WAIT LIST FOR EMERSON IN BOSTON! This is wonderful news, even though I was rejected from  the other two schools I applied to, it very much looks like I will be going to Emerson this fall. :) Going to keep the positive vibes going. 

The only thing is I need the money to move from Boston and get settled out there during the first semester and while looking for a job. So I set up an Indigogo. If I don't get off the wait list, then all the money goes back to you guys.  If I don't reach my goal by July, all the money goes back those who donated. 

If I exceed my goal the funds will go to what I pitched as my thesis film : 

The project I want to work on while in attendance at Emerson is Fake Geek Girls: Women In Comics Books.

 

It will delve into the treatment and representation of women in comic book fandom, and the treatment of female heroes in print and film versions of comic book media, and why there seems to be a disconnect from publishers and film makers with a group that makes up about half of all film ticket sales as well as print sales.

I haven't written in awhile, and that's not a good thing since this is supposed to be my safe place. I have been trying to stay positive but it's hard when I have nothing to be positive about.

I don't have anything to live for, or anything that is really keeping me going. The only thing right now is that it's only 6-8 weeks until I hear back from the graduate programs I applied too.

I don't know if I can handle not getting into anywhere again though.

It just feels like I have nothing working in my favor, I know what will happen in 8 weeks if I am rejected from all three programs I applied too. I wont survive it.

The only way out of this hole is if I get in graduate school. I don't have love and support, I don't have any place else to go.

http://notacyborg.tumblr.com/post/110288723651/click-here-to-support-getting-healthy-grad

 I don't matter, I don't count, I don't even know what to do anymore. I keep thinking it would just be better if I killed myself, because I have nothing in my life worth living for. 

I am tired of people telling me the bullshit lie of it will get better, the stupid phrase keep your chin up, it doesn't get better and there are only so many blows to the face I can take before I can't get up anymore. It's been almost three years of applying for jobs, 2 years since I graduated with my BA, I sleep in a hallway, and have no friends for 900 miles. I am a lone, I have nothing in my life that I want to live for, that I look forward too, I am to poor to even leave the house. 

I can drive, my face is disfigured. I am pushing the few online friends I have away, because I am always so down, I don't have anywhere to turn, the suicide hotlines don't help. I don't have the money or transit or support to go back to therapy, and get back on my meds. 

I am so alone all the time. 

I am so tired all the time. 

I do nothing but cry and cut myself sometime burn myself 


My art doesn't sell, I've gotten rejected from about 2500 jobs I applied for since April of 2012, I have no love life, I have nothing going for me so what do I have to live for? 

I am getting more and more paranoid that everyone hates me and is just waiting for me to kill myself so they can get on with their lives and be done with my crazy ass, part of me honestly believes it that people will be relieved and happy when I finally do kill myself. 

Right now the only thing keeping me around is waiting to hear back from the Grad Schools I applied too, but I am not even very hopeful on that front. Why should I be? I got rejected from every Graduate Program I applied to last year go around, not enough has changed. 

I just don't have much go left, if things don't turn around soon... I just don't have it in me to keep fighting once the rejection letters come in. 

Writing all these thoughts out used to help me, talking to my friends used to help me, but now i just feel like I am screaming into a void where no one cares about me. 

A guy can raise close to 40 grand to make potato salad but I can't even fundraise 6 grand to move someplace where I can get a fresh start and have better employment opportunities. 

I used to want so much out of life, now I just want it to end. But I have to wait until I know weather or not I got into an MFA program. 

 I am falling apart tonight,  I have no good thoughts about myself or my life, I have nothing worth living for. Everything I do is shit, everything I try fails. 

I just want to die already because it's never going to get better 

another post no one will read because i have no friends. 

I wish I was brave enough to try killing myself again. I'll get there though. 

 All I want is to die, life doesn't get better. Not for people like me, my own mind is my enemy, I don't deserve good things and my own family hates me. I wish I had died as an infant. 

There is no joy in my life anymore. There is no point to living. 

 I spend a lot of time day dreaming, day dreaming about my death, day dreaming about ways to kill myself, because what have I got to live for.