dramapunk

 Everything is slipping away, I am dying inside and no one sees, no one cares, I can scream and cry and no one notices everyone has stop caring because this is just how I always am. 

I tried to make a list of things worth living for and it was blank, the reasons to kill myself side however was full, full of very valid reasons. 

I am tried of people telling me it will get better, when it wont. 

I am tried of my mental illness making people hate me and driving the people who I thought where my friends away, but then maybe I've never had friends. I am not worth it. 

 I don't have anything left, there is no silver lining. I give up on every being happy, life ever getting better, or ever getting out of here. There is no point, no good things will happen to me. I just need to get it over with.   I've applied 2500 jobs, and everything I've tried to make things better just ends up blowing up in my face. I have no skills, I have nothing worth living for.  

I just need to start sending my comic books to people and my actions figures. 

I don't have a reason to live.

I am having fewer and fewer good days. I hate everything about my body that I see in the mirror today, and yesterday as well.

Yesterday my sister-in-law who used to love me until social media drama showed up and has treated me like I am not even here.

I keep counting out what I hope is enough pills to kill myself... but am not brave enough to take them.

I am tired, so tired of not having any silver lining any ray of hope, so tried of filling out job applications, so tired of hanging on. Because what's the point. I haven't left the house past the drive way in a few months, and I haven't gone past the shopping center in longer then that.

I am aware I have online friends that care, but I haven't had positive human contact since around October. I have no real life friends anymore.

I don't have a real life, and I am not intelligent enough, talented enough or worth enough for anything to ever change for me. I mean 2000 + rejections mean something.

It's getting to the point where I don't even know why I keep pushing why I keep trying. I have nightmares every night, I wake up crying, go to sleep crying. I am not strong enough to make it, I don't know how much longer I can last sleeping in a hallway in a house filled with people who hate me.

I don't do anything I love anymore, I don't write short stories, because what's the point no one will read them, no one will like them. I don't read comics anymore because that's a privilege for people with money. I don't go to the cinema anymore because that's a privilege for people with money. I don't talk to people about comics anymore because it just makes me sad, and I am almost a year behind. I don't write scripts anymore because they'll never get made. I don't even day dream anymore because it just makes me sad.

I am even giving up on my store, because my art is shitty, and so is my photography, it's not selling and what is selling is all being bought by the same person to placate me into thinking I am worth something that I am good at something when I am not. I am a worthless piece of white trash and it's never going to get better. Not for me anyway.

I hate my body, I hate my life, I have no one outside the digital world to reach out too, my mental illness burned all those bridges. I have had three suicide attempts since I moved out here and I don't know why they keep failing I took like 40 or 50 benydril the last time and I nearly passed out in the tub but then I started throwing up all over my self and was sick for days. I don't even know why I am writing about this. Hardly anyone reads this anymore.

I don't have anything to hang on too, but if you donated to the moving fund, I set up a safety net should something happen to me so your money can be refunded. I haven't touched any of it because well, because it's for moving not living on while I am stuck in this hell hole.

I have almost 1,500 dollars not enough to even get me out of the house and into an apartment. I know where I want to be, I know I will never get there. That I will always be fat ugly and scarred, useless and talentless.

If I was worth anything I would have found something by now. but I haven't I have been looking for almost three years and I just want death to come. My life has never been good. I was kidding myself thinking I could every be one of the pretty and happy people.

I am sorry to the people online who care about me, that I have fallen this far, but things just keep getting worse. 80% of my belongings are packed because I am not allowed to unpack. I get yelled at for crying, get laughed at when I asked my dad for help moving someplace where I have a better chance of getting freelance work. But they'll spend 2,500 on my druggie older brother for christmas.

I was tricked into moving out here, but it's my fault for believing anything would ever be good for me. That would ever find happiness, me a fat talentless cow. Who am I kidding if I died the world would be better off. Because I have nothing to add to it, nothing good to contribute.

I am trying to hold on, I just don't know why I am bothering anymore. I know it's not going to get better, I know I am never getting into grad school I know I am never getting a job. I am a useless unlovable piece of shit. I have tried the crisis lines and they don't help, they just regurgitate the same script over and over. I have no way right now to get real professional help.

I have tried everything, and nothing is getting better. I am giving myself until my birthday for it to get better then I am shutting down everything. The gofundme, the store, my fiction accounts, this blog, my face book, and any connection I have with the people outside this house. I just don't see the point anymore. It's not going to change.

So I am trying to get money together to move to a safer place. The paypal is money to buy food and tampons ect and the gofundme is strictly for moving, at this point it will probably take more then 6000 dollars to get me set up someplace new.

But if a guy can raise 45,500 dollars for no other reason then he wants to make potato salad, I think I can get funds to get out of an emotionally abusive house.

If you want to share this that would be great just not if we are friends on FB. <a href="https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_donations&business=SMQMM48SENH8E&lc=US&item_name=Help%20a%20nerd¤cy_code=USD&bn=PP%2dDonationsBF%3abtn_donateCC_LG%2egif%3aNonHosted"><img src="http://static.squarespace.com/static/5167abf2e4b0fdc6c239a718/t/52f5fb20e4b039b51c0fcb86/1391852320659/Paypal%20Donate%20Button%20Image.png" border="0"></a><a href="http://www.gofundme.com/78gbm0"><img src="http://images.plurk.com/4ImjuZ2XfFbi0a6xn0HIkd.jpg"></a>

 I really wanted to be someplace healthy and safe by the end of July, but it's not going to happen I don't think I am ever going to get some place emotionally healthy and safe for me to live.  *long sigh* 

Warning: Emotional Abuse, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts.

I have a very bad relapse, my moods have been getting worse over the past few months and I can't control them any longer.

Yesterday was a very bad relapse, I locked myself in the bathroom and slashed the fuck out of thighs, the proceeded to bang my head into the wall until I was dizzy. I wasn't able to stop crying for 3 or 4 hours.

It continued into today, everyday it's harder to get out of bed, or not have the kinds of thoughts that scare me. I felt so hopeless today that once again I locked myself in the bathroom and cut until I didn't have the energy to anymore.

The wounds have been cleaned and have stopped bleeding so I am okay on that front. But the living conditions are not helping me right now.

My mother has gone off the deep end it seems. While she's never been a great mom, she was never this bad. I was living in San Francisco until October I had to leave the city I was born in when I ended up homeless, because I couldn't find a job that paid enough to keep a rough over my head.

I was brought out to Las Vegas by a series of lies, they told me I would have a room, and privacy and a work space for my art. That they would help me with my internship, or move some place I'd have a better chance at work.

These where all lies, I sleep in the hallway at the top of the stairs I don't even have a privacy curtain or screen. And I haven't been allowed to unpack, I've been wearing the same 6 or so out fits sense I moved here in October, I have to keep the clothes under the broken futon I sleep on because I don't have a dresser.

When I asked for help getting a dresser my mother laughed in my face, and took me to target a few times and walked down the furniture isle a few time saying oh no we don't need anything here.

A week after I asked for a dresser she bought the two 18 year old boys who live her brand new dressers, they are still sitting in the boxes unopened in the living room, because they boys didn't need them they have two each in their rooms.

My mom thinks this is funny. She also picks on me about how much I eat or don't eat, for not being able to drive, and the self harm scars I have. She knows the buttons I have, she knows I have BPD, and pushes my buttons so I end up hurting myself then yells at me for hurting myself.

She yells at me for eating and cooking even though I clean up after myself, she tells the boys they don't have to do any chores because that is why I am here. Then yells at me if things are cleaned well enough for her.

I've had to tell my friend to stop sending me care packages and mail, because she flips out and acuses me of hiding money from here. This happened at Christmas as well when a few friends sent me a very nice Winter Soldier jacket.

Recently she found me crying and told me to cheer the fuck up you freaking ball of sun shine or to pack my shit and get out, that if I didn't cheer the fuck up she'd put me on the bus back to San Francisco and I could sleep on the streets.  There is more but I don't feel like going into much more then that right now.  But writing this all out has helped a lot. I think I am going to start writing my dark thoughts out here more. 

I have no place to go no way out, I've been applying for jobs back home in the bay, none of my real life friends really know what's going on. I have no place to go and live, and I can't stay here.

I've been applying for jobs in San Francisco, Seattle and New York, places where I can find work and live with out ever needing a car. But it's not looking too good after 2000+ job application.

I am trying to raise funds to get out of this situation here  I am also selling art here 

 I am not strong enough to keep going. I can't do this anymore. I am sick can't go to the doctor, I get accused of having hidden money. I just.... the suicide chat is busy and I don't have the privacy to call the hotline.  I give up. 

So I said I was going to try and post more and I meant it.

I have been having a very low day, and I don't know if that's because I didn't get home from my internship until almost four and had trouble sleeping.

Or because of all the nightmares I've been having lately. I even had them when I tried to take a nap earlier and I am pretty sure I've been crying in my sleep. I go to sleep crying wake up crying, spend a lot of time crying basically.

I can't handle faking things for the internship much longer things are getting worse in my mind and at home.

Donations have slowed down at my gofundme that's okay I didn't expect it to work over night, but I really need to find a job somewhere far away, I am looking on the east coast. In the New York area the transit system is really great, and given I'm not allowed to drive it's a must. I've also been looking in the Boston Area.  

If anyone has any leads please let me know I don't think I can hold on much longer. I wish I could find away to post the gofundme to facebook with out the people I live with or any of my family seeing it. But it's a big chance. 

tr>

mistletoe kiss	forced to marry	au: coffee shop	food porn	presumed dead
poker/strip poker	immortality / reincarnation	au: apocalypse	virginfic / secretly a virgin	au: fantasy
snowed in	huddle for warmth	FREE ★ SPACE Injury	wingfic	au: were / vamp / supernatural
au: other	au: historical	curtainfic	Road Trip	slavefic
genderswap	mind control	sex pollen	amnesia	in vino veritas / drunkfic