dramapunk: (Default)
dramapunk ([personal profile] dramapunk) wrote2014-11-29 10:44 pm

(no subject)

 I don't matter, I don't count, I don't even know what to do anymore. I keep thinking it would just be better if I killed myself, because I have nothing in my life worth living for. 

I am tired of people telling me the bullshit lie of it will get better, the stupid phrase keep your chin up, it doesn't get better and there are only so many blows to the face I can take before I can't get up anymore. It's been almost three years of applying for jobs, 2 years since I graduated with my BA, I sleep in a hallway, and have no friends for 900 miles. I am a lone, I have nothing in my life that I want to live for, that I look forward too, I am to poor to even leave the house. 

I can drive, my face is disfigured. I am pushing the few online friends I have away, because I am always so down, I don't have anywhere to turn, the suicide hotlines don't help. I don't have the money or transit or support to go back to therapy, and get back on my meds. 

I am so alone all the time. 

I am so tired all the time. 

I do nothing but cry and cut myself sometime burn myself 

My art doesn't sell, I've gotten rejected from about 2500 jobs I applied for since April of 2012, I have no love life, I have nothing going for me so what do I have to live for? 

I am getting more and more paranoid that everyone hates me and is just waiting for me to kill myself so they can get on with their lives and be done with my crazy ass, part of me honestly believes it that people will be relieved and happy when I finally do kill myself. 

Right now the only thing keeping me around is waiting to hear back from the Grad Schools I applied too, but I am not even very hopeful on that front. Why should I be? I got rejected from every Graduate Program I applied to last year go around, not enough has changed. 

I just don't have much go left, if things don't turn around soon... I just don't have it in me to keep fighting once the rejection letters come in. 

Writing all these thoughts out used to help me, talking to my friends used to help me, but now i just feel like I am screaming into a void where no one cares about me. 

A guy can raise close to 40 grand to make potato salad but I can't even fundraise 6 grand to move someplace where I can get a fresh start and have better employment opportunities. 

I used to want so much out of life, now I just want it to end. But I have to wait until I know weather or not I got into an MFA program.